Enjoy the Moment

As I look back over the past year I see how much has just blown past me. Some of it I have documented here, some of it in my journal, a lot of it is saved on my computer in picture form, but a lot of it, too much of it, was just lost in the shuffle.

It's already mid-April, my Jay started kindergarten in August and her first year of school is quickly coming to a close. Too many of those days were spent stressing about what she'd wear the next day, was she learning enough, figuring out a routine (which took most of the school year) and where we'd get the money to buy even more jeans because she was growing taller by the day. Too many of those days flew past me because I let them and I'll never get those days back! Too many of those days were wasted watching the time pass until it was time to put Jay on the school bus, or time to put Nas down for a nap, or time to put them both to bed. What about the time in between all of that? Where was I for that time?

I know we all have wasted minutes, even hours, in each day, but it doesn't make me wonder less about how I let that precious time get away from me. My kids are growing up so fast, Jay is learning so much every day, Nas' vocabulary exploded before my eyes and I no longer have to wonder if he'll ever talk. Babe and I squeeze time in together when we can, sneak in a kiss and a hug here and there, but I don't want to look back over my life, the way I am now over the past year, and wonder where did the time go and why wasn't I present?

It occurred to me that being at home with my kids is a sure-fire way for me to take our time together for granted. I'm here, right? But is that enough? Will that have been enough when Jay is 15 and needs someone to talk to and that someone isn't me because when she was 6 I hurried her when she just wanted to chat? What about when Nas asks me to play cars or turtles with him and I say no because I have to clean xyz? Where was I and why was I so preoccupied with everything but my kids?

I don't want to look up 10 years from now and regret my lack of "presentness" and have it affect my kids later when I can do something now. No, I won't play turtles or Barbies all day and I won't want to listen to Jay talk about everything under the sun for hours on end. But if I make time, real time, for them now and show them that they are important to me, maybe it'll show later. Maybe Jay will come to me when she's 15 and needs to talk. Maybe Nas will know that his mommy puts him and his sister first no matter what. Maybe we'll all be better, now and later, because I made the effort to not just be an at-home mom physically, but mentally too.