And On a Lighter Note

Don't you just HATE underclothes? I was going to just write about bras, but I hate them along with those Spanxx-style new millennium girdles and pantyhose, or, as I was raised, "stockings".

Only a man could have thought of something to hoist your twins up off of the floor so they could see them better. What other reasoning could there have been? I hate bras so much, but these days the twins hang lower than I'd like and I just feel gravity tugging at them when I let them swing freely. So I can usually be found with the girls above my belly button, tucked safely (and too snuggly) in an over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

If you wear anything above a D cup, you know that the pickin's are slim by way of pretty or sexy bras. How sexy can anything be that has the job of a 40-DDD sized bra?? Have you ever had one whose maker thought covering the bra in lace would make it pretty then had the audacity to carefully sew a tiny, perfect little bow to sit in between your boobies? How cuuute...RIGHT! Imagine the collapse of all of that underwire, that poor little bow's fate would be a boob-smothering death. Many a man envies the life of that little bow.

And how about those darling girdles designed to make a size 18 look like a size 16? Ah, you long to look fabulous for that special event and you know that it will smooth any sign of the donut you ate in a PMS rage, or that extra piece of cake you took in celebration of your birthday, and even that basket of bread you scarfed down as patiently as you could while your husband carefully buttered his roll (the only one he ate). The girdle is just the undergarment to do the job. But it's absolutely my least favorite thing to wear ever. It's so incredibly tight that you take short, staggered breaths so you don't pass out as you mingle. You can't wait to sit down, but when you do it feels like you're being divided in half by barbed wire...so you stand. But when you eat you feel like anything you add to the hidden "issues" you're strangling just might kill you. Or, if you're lucky, the girdle's snaps will explode and all the donuts, cake and bread will just ooze over the band of your "stockings". Breathe again.

Speaking of stockings, did a man invent those TOO? Yikes. Those boys are tight around your FEET what makes us think it's a great idea to pull them up around our calves let alone our thighs and hips! All for the sake of beauty. We pour ourselves into these contraptions only to feel like we're wearing a blood pressure cuff around the bottom half of our body! There's just got to be a better way! When I worked full-time in the corporate world (a party in itself) I would wear stockings and by the end of the day I just wanted to take a box cutter and slice from my toes to my waist to break the grip they had on me. First went the stockings, then I'd want to hack the bra off, cute little bow and all.

I'm definitely an at-home mom now because my wardrobe consists of very few things that require all of the restraining undergarments. The only thing I wear daily is a bra. I've gotten so use to breathing that even my jeans spend a lot of time in the closet. Who wants to be sucked, tucked and lifted in "stretch" jeans to wash dishes and play cars on the floor with a 2-year-old?

Life's short, do all you can to avoid the pain of undergarments. Well, maybe not the bra, anything we can do to keep things above the donuts/cake/bread we're trying to stash for that party dress is worth doing!