Some days I wake up and think "Uh-oh, I'm in the dark again." The "dark" is the cloud of depression that looms over my head more often than I'd like. Sometimes I can outrun it to find sunlight to shine on my face, but it's on the dark days that I just wonder where God is.
When the sun lights my day I think about why I am struggling in my relationship with God. I wonder if I'm angry with God for leaving me alone in the dark. I use to pray and pray for God to keep the sun on my face, afterall it is God's property, right? So why would my Father allow my dark days to be filled with anger, resentment, irritation and loneliness? Why won't God shine His light in my life? Haven't I gone to church enough? I did grow up a Preacher's Kid after all! Don't I pray enough? I love God, but after awhile I stopped praying about my depression. "My" depression, like it's something I want or own.
I don't know when I'll get a breakthrough but reading Christian magazine articles about sharing your faith with others really make me see how disconnected I am from God, I have no interest in talking with others about God with a goal of converting them. I know I'm in a bad place spiritually.
While the sun is shining I need to pray He will cradle me and see me for who I am without the shadows cast on my face when I find myself alone in the dark.
1 comment:
Ahh, those clouds. They find me now and then, and the things I rejoiced for in my life only weeks before suddenly all have a dirty, grey tinge and dont seem so lovely anymore. I realize in those times I've found myself in a cloud and most likely I've put myself there.
In these times, we come out of there with something learned and maybe everything seeming shinier than ever. When I'm in the dark, sometimes I reach up and wonder if I could feel God holding my hand back.
My mom once told me she felt that GOd had hugged her when she reached out to him one dark night from her bed, one dark time in her life. I often wonder if I could experience the same.
Alas, life goes on and the sun continues to rise and the years turn and turn and we grow, and even these dark times pass, maybe leaving us a little bit more thankful, and with a different perspective. Hugs to you, that you find your way out soon :)
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