What would you change?

Often Babe will ask me if there's anything in my life I would change. Initially my answer always revolves around finishing college so I can have the freedom to write for whomever without having to beat (and I mean BEAT) the door down because that degree holds power...for some ungodly reason.

Looking back, my first response to his question would be to have had children a little bit later, like start at 25 and finish by 29 because if you read my blog, like ever, you know I never wanted to be over 30 and pregnant. Some weird age 8 decision I made and stuck to, and hope to stick to always (God please keep the tubes burned, fried, chopped...no more babies). My 20s have been full of questions, tough answers, and reality all with two little ones in tow. So maybe had I waited a few years to reproduce I would have had a little more knowledge under my belt.

Would I change the man I married? Not in a billion-trillion-gazillion years. Would I have married him at a much lighter weight? Oh no doubt about it. I was a fat-happy bride though! But that's not something I sit around and ponder often, so it wouldn't be one of my 3 wishes for the genie.

What would you change?

After I start listing the things I'd change it occurs to me that, much like the movie "Butterfly Effect", everything would change in one way or another IF I could go back and clean up some of my 'messes'.

If I finished college I wouldn't have been home with my daughter. For me, the earliest years are important and I was there and able to lay some really great foundation for her. Would she be the same person had I finished college, been gone much of the day studying, in classes, all while she was in childcare? I don't hesitate to say No, she would not be the same wonderful, funny, brilliant, talented, really cool kid she is today had I used the time we had together to "do me". All of the pluses about such a situation don't outweigh the huge minus that could make Jay a completely different girl, and there are some great pluses for someone like me who thrives on writing.

Had I had children later there are so many things that could be different. I know for a fact I wouldn't have had too much extra knowledge under my belt because, for me, the 20s have been tough from day one! I might have finished my degree, I might have a bustling career as a writer, I might be so engrossed in my career that I struggle with having a brand new baby pulling my heart strings one way while my love for writing (and getting paid for it) pulls me another. What if I got 2 totally different kids? Two boys? Two girls?

Jay-Z has a song called "Regrets" and he implies you have to learn to live with regrets. We all have regrets, some bigger than others, but if you could go back and change the things you 'regret' or just wish you could do slightly different...would you? How much would your current reality change? How different would YOU be?

In the end I realize it's true that hindsight is 20/20 and my life right now, this very second, is perfect and it took some mishaps that proved to be blessings for me to get to this perfect second, right here, right now. I wouldn't change a thing.