Dependent Woman

Today I realized that "timid" Natalie does still exist and I need to help her become one with "I got this" Natalie, the Natalie I like so much better. From the time I kissed my family goodbye to embark upon my "me time" with family in the Midwest, I felt alone and it scared me.

"What if I forget the companion flight information?"
"Where's the 'bridge' Babe was talking about, what if I can't find it?"
"What if I get to Nashville and my sister's forgotten my flight information and I'm left there....alone?!"
"What if I get back to the airport and the flight is full and I have to stay the night in Nashville...alone??!!"

So I'm at the airport preparing to fly to Nashville to visit family and I'm finally at the gate all settled in. Security was packed full of summer travelers and their anxious little kids. After bagging my liquids (did I forget and pack something in my carry-on luggage!?) in the zipper lock baggie, removing my Nikes (untied them and all), and hoping my bracelet with the kids' names on them wouldn't set off the metal detector, I went through security without a hitch. Boy was that fun, all 40 minutes of it. What has occurred to me is just how dependent I am upon Babe. He keeps my timid side shoved in the back of the closet, where she's much better off.

When I'm with him I feel so safe because I know "he's got it." When we go downtown just to hang out I know I'm safe because he is behind the wheel and because he knows the way. When we are out of town and visit a shady kind of place that I would never have strolled into alone, I am aware of our surroundings but I'm not afraid. Even when he is out of town on business I don't sleep as well because any bumps in the night are left for me to inspect. I am left to my own devices when Babe is not with me, and that tends to be a scary reality for me. I've always depended on people to help me feel safe in uncomfortable situations. Before Babe it was my mom. If she was close by I knew all was well with my world. Apparently I've traded my maternal safety net for one I sleep with night after night.

So how does a woman become independent? It's not about being a woman who doesn't work for monetary gain, most of what she has, wears, eats and drinks was provided by her husband. A woman whose financial stability is solely based on her husband's success. A woman whose livelihood could come to a stand-still should any current factors of her husband's choices change. I'm not just financially dependent, something that I could change just by acquiring employment, I'm emotionally dependent. That kind of dependence could leave me in a corner a nervous wreck if something ever happened to those I depend on. This is no way to live.

With 30 approaching fairly quickly I am all about growth. I want to finish off my tumultuous 20s having learned even more than I already have. Why not learn independence even if it's only emotionally? It's high time I stop thinking that this proverbial bubble I have created around myself and Babe keeps me any safer than I'd be if Babe stepped aside, forcing me to navigate the one-way streets of downtown, the ins and outs of airplane travel and the busyness of life.

I'll have to push myself out of my comfort zone, or bubble, and fake it until I make it. After all, as they say, life isn't a dress rehearsal. It's time for me to see all there is to see...with or without Babe there to hold my hand.