Am I Alone?

Previously I have written about my struggle with depression and mentioned how I feel alone when the "darkness" creeps into my life. I felt as though God had left me alone in a dark tunnel and turned His back on me. Well, there are still days when I feel that way, like God gave me this like a challenge for me sort through and investigate on my own so that I can come out on the other end where the light must exist. It's as though He is on the end where the light is but awaits my arrival after I have succeeded at maneuvering through this maze He failed to leave me a map to.

Lately I've incorporated walking into my exercise regimen and it really helps to clear my head and gives me a chance to talk to God. He knows full well that I am angry with Him. I love Him and I know it is through Him which all of my blessings flow, but I'm am sincerely angry with Him. I have two children who love me in spite of my tirades. I have a husband who adores me even if I shut down, completely, more often than "normal" people do. And yet I have to fight through this labyrinth of emotions, guilt, and physical and mental achiness all on my own. Or do I?

My prayer over the past two months has been for God to remain in the darkness with me. For Him to let me know that He is still there with me, even on days I don't want Him there. And when all else fails, when I can't see even a glimmer of light shining under the door of the dark room, I pray He will carry me. I know there have been so many days when I got through only because He carried me. Days when I thought I couldn't handle another second of this life, when I thought my family would be better off without me, when I believed without a shadow of a doubt that God had deserted me and let the devil toss me around in the dark the way invisible "entities" do in the scary movies. On those days, God was there. The devil may have had his hand on me, but God only lets the devil do so much. And to make sure of that, He stays with me...He may be across the room while the devil does his work on me, but He doesn't leave me.

This depression thing won't beat me, but it's only because of the God who adores me, in all my imperfections. Somehow, someday (God please let it be sooner than later) I will be shiny and new. I will have experienced something I don't wish on the worst of the worst, but God knows I can handle it...I'm just thankful I don't have to endure it alone.