What Not to Wear

Short of my ability to keep my day-to-day wear very t-shirt and jeans basic, I'm a fashion disaster waiting to happen. I've had a few fashion misses just recently, which is why I can typically be found in simple clothes that, in past experience, have worked well for me. One of those misses included the cute tops with elastic around the bust and a loose, almost flare, through the body. I thought I looked cute and had dipped my toe into the world of all things trendy when, "Are you expecting again?" came from the say-anything lips of a fellow church goer. Amazingly, I played it off well by saying, "Heck no, we are DONE having babies!" When all I wanted to tell her was to disappear because that's the LAST thing any UNpregnant woman wants to hear!

So from that moment on, that shirt has been in the bag I keep for donating to Goodwill. I had taken a picture in that very shirt a month or so before, couldn't I see on my own how preggo it made me look? Yuck. I'm so out of the loop where trendy and stylish are concerned that even my 6-year-old Jay will go into my closet and ask "why do you have this?" After all I am a t-shirt (some long sleeved, others short) and blue jean wearing mama who takes the t-shirts one step toward sexy with the v-neck. Yes, I said v-neck t-shirts are a step closer to sexy...if I got out more the "What Not to Wear" crew would surely be on my butt!

My mom, newly one of the hottest 50-year-olds you'd ever see, tries to keep me looking good and she typically does a great job! She'll buy skirts, capris, casual-but-cute shirts, jeans, and things I could wear to church or a nice dinner party. Miraculously they all always fit too! So why can't I shop for myself and do as well? I guess that fashion gene was replaced with the comfort gene that programmed me to gravitate toward the newest Nike shoes and clothes. Nike does make clothes, did you know? Nice, comfortable clothes!

Then there's makeup. I'll watch makeover shows on television in an attempt to figure out just what I'm supposed to keep in my makeup stash, colors to wear on regular Super Target shopping trips, and especially which combinations will look best for a night out rubbing shoulders with the wives/girlfriends/mistresses of athletes. Women who, typically, have their look together and, for the most part, look like it was effortless to go from regular life to a night of glam. But each show features a woman with different facial features so I can't just take all their advice and put it on my face.

Today I watched "WNTW" and thought, if I took everything I remember from the makeup artists' advice and applied it to my face, I'd be sure to look like a clown. Which is exactly why I play it safe and do little more than foundation (some days), lip liner, lipstick and my newest addition of "I'm going out so I must wear" mascara. I'd love to look more put together, but how? Do they offer classes on something like that? And I don't want the same colors my redheaded, green-eyed friend would have applied! I want a look designed for me that will make me look the best I can look.

So in an effort to NOT look like a pregnant clown, I continue to wear my t-shirts and jeans and apply the old standbys to my face and I go. I just wonder what the hosts of "What Not to Wear" would think of ME!