Amazing Grace

When I was eight years old I decided that I wanted to have two kids, like my aunt, and I envisioned myself as a wonderfully warm and loving mother. Back then I had the disposition of a lamb and saw myself as a "June Cleaver"-like mother wearing Nikes instead of white pumps.

Fast forward 14 years to the day when I first held my newborn daughter and I panicked because I wasn't sure what kind of mother I would be in reality. Would I forget to teach her a vital lesson? Would I forget to tell her she was smart and beautiful so she'd grow up with the self-confidence I lacked during my own childhood? Would I be too busy when she needs to talk to me about a life-changing decision? Would I do, or not do, something that would ruin her life or set her off-course for years? Being the eight year old mother of my favorite doll and the, then 22-year-old mother of a newborn are two very different worlds.

I am much like the mother I saw myself as when I was eight: loving, warm, affectionate and playful at times. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my children. I'm no longer all lamb, I've adopted a lot more "lion" in my disposition. Because of it, I am a screamer. I yell when I'm frustrated or when the kids do something that is against my every wish for their character. Like when Jay lies or is irresponsible, I shift into lionness. I have my faults as a mother, as any mother does, but there are days when I focus too much on my faults and their affects on my children to see the grace God grants on a daily basis.

Grace is evident when I check in on my kids and see them, healthy, strong, smart and beautiful. Grace, amazing grace, is evident when my daughter's teacher says she's a joy to have in class, that she's extremely bright and cares about her friends. Grace is evident when my Jay looks up at me and says, "I love you mommy, you're the best mommy I ever had." It's evident, too, when Nas pretends to read the way Jay reads to him.

I don't deserve God's grace, none of us do, but I know that God is with me in raising my kids. He shows me better ways to be their mommy, better ways to deal with conflict and He's there when I'm afraid, and as their mother I'm afraid a lot.

They say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" which is a huge compliment to me as their mother, but whoever coined the saying forgot that the warmth of the sun and a cushioned grassy fall are like God's grace protecting our little apples. I am thankful beyond words for God's grace. God's amazing grace.