I Choose Sanity

For a long, dark eight years I have struggled, to some degree, with clinical depression. During that time I have taken five different antidepressants in an effort to maintain the way "normal" people do. With each prescription I only hoped to wake up in the morning knowing I would recognize the person in the mirror, to spend the day without wondering why on earth I exist, to go through each day living in the moment, not watching life go by trapped in a lifeless body. That was my hope. Some days I would succeed, others were spent wondering why I was torturing myself, yet again, with more drugs.

Today is a different day. I choose sanity. I have not been on any prescribed antidepressants since September 2006 so I have to push through some days praying God will carry me. If He's there, I know I can make it. I can get through any day, though sometimes reluctantly, just with the tools God has revealed to me over time.

I'm what some might call a "cyberchondriac". If anything ails me I'm heading to the internet to diagnose my condition. This was no different for depression. I searched high and low for ways I could help my emotional state. Then, I gradually implemented each of the suggested treatments and usually, I succeed.

Since the start of 2007 I have eliminated pop (aka 'soda') from my diet. Now I'll have a drink or two here and there, but nothing like my December 2006 overload of Pepsi. About 90% of the time I don't drink the stuff. I now exercise at least three times a week and I watch what I eat and how many calories I consume. This is very different for a self-described sugar addict. I no longer eat candy all day and I closely monitor the amount of sugar I eat or drink.

Along with that, I try very hard to stay in touch with my emotions to keep emotional eating at bay. This has been, by far, the hardest change for me. If I'm upset, I eat. Sad? I eat. Bored? I eat. At a crossroads in decision-making? I eat. Now I fight that urge to stuff my emotions with food. My mechanisms of choice include reading a magazine (which I love to do), taking a nap, praying, or doing something fun with my kids. Sometimes I win, others are spent noshing on a salty treat I find in the pantry or a few chocolate chip cookies.

Yes, this year I choose sanity and because of that choice I know God is with me, guiding me to do what's best for my mind and body. I no longer claim the diagnosis of depression, especially when all it took were a few simple changes to help me see and live life the way I've always wanted.