Six years ago I made a choice. I was a new mother and I had seen the turmoil so many mothers struggled with when leaving their brand new babies in our care at the infant child care center I worked for before it closed during my pregnancy. That was a situation I dreaded. So upon having a heart-to-heart with Babe, we decided I could continue school when the semester started and between our school loans and his part-time job, we'd survive.
The life as one of, what seemed like a million, college students wasn't my cup of tea from day one, but having birthed what had become my reason for living I felt being away from her for college classes I detested was a waste of time. So at home, for the most part, I was. I took classes here and there but I was never really doing what I wanted to do, which was be home with my baby. So at that time in my life I made a choice, the choice to raise my daughter "full-time". Such an opportunity was a blessing for us both, but now I am at a crossroad yet again and need to make a choice.
When I was flipping through the pages of my journal I saw that one conversation, er, argument, between Babe and me came to a head when he asked, "Where's your ambition?" And I think it's been a question that has haunted me for years, approximately six of them to be more precise. Part of me wants to be this trailblazing writer/editor who travels the country if not the world writing and signing the books I poured my heart into for the fans who love them. Then the other part of me doesn't see myself as the mother who calls from a hotel room to see how things are going back at the homefront. I don't see myself as the mother who misses birthdays, choral performances or sports debuts for my kids. I see myself as their mother, first and foremost and their needs come before mine...even when it comes to making a choice to do something I truly love to my core.
But, at ages six and two, it's time for Jay and Nas' mother to make a choice to live for herself. No more imagining the worst possible scenarios of what I might miss or what may happen if I'm not with them every minute of their waking hours. It's time to imagine myself as a better, happier woman, wife and mother because I chose to better myself and in doing so, begin to create a wonderful career of writing. It is, after all, a career where I can work from anywhere on the planet. With computers and old-fashioned paper and pen, I can formulate characters or assemble a blog entry in bed with my warm fuzzy socks on if I feel so inclined. So in doing what I love, I won't have to be too far from my other love, my family.
I've decided to take an online course for writing. I chose this format because at 28 years old I am unwilling to take beginning Yoga or Music Appreciation to finish my bachelor's degree. This will be so good for me, I've wanted something for Natalie for some time now and it seems God's will was aligned with mine and I found, what seems, the perfect school for me.
This will be so good for me and Babe, we'll actually have something to talk about besides the kids because they are my 'job' and athletes are his and because he lives with my 'job' there isn't too much new news for us to share. It'll also be good for us because I'm no longer resentful because he is so successful and my heart is urging me to do something for myself. Resentment can cause you to argue about all kinds of things! I've come up with plenty of them. This will be good for Jay and Nas. They deserve a happy mommy but they also deserve to see a woman doing something she loves and is good at, and still wipe butts and noses because she is their mother and that's just what she does!
When I was in high school I wrote for the school newspaper and I had a column that was called "My Turn". It's funny that that just came to mind because that's exactly where I am in my life, right now, today at this very moment I am nauseous from riding in the backseat so everyone else can see the view and feel the warm breeze on their faces. No more. It's My Turn and, for once, I'm driving.
3 comments:
Natalie - you have a gift of creative writing. Please take advantage of it and share your art with the world. I have 3 books in my head that I have been writing since I was 25 and not one has come to fruition. I am on the 5 year plan i.e. "I will have them finishd by 30....um, I will have them finished by the time I reach age 35!" Ha, I am on the 3rd "5-year" plan....do it by age 40...guess what I have 2 years and 3 months left before that milestone. Do it girl, it's therapy for you and intriguing for the reader. Love Ya! PMS
This is a subject I, too, have been struggling with for years, and one that has made itself front and center stage from the moment AFTER I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time. I do believe this will be good for you, your marriage and all that goodness will just have a ripple effect on all that you do.
It is obvious that you have a talent for writing, and not just a talent, but it is magnetic and flows beautifully. This is wonderful.
Self reflection what an admirable quality ,yet rarely received by its' owner. Somehow, we grow this extra tough skin when it comes others and their opinions of us ( that is except for our spouses). We tell ourselves who cares what they think this is my life. Oh but we can't really pull that tough skin act on ourself,, now can we?
Wanting and choosing to be a stay at home mom is the best contributation a mother could make, both to society and to her children. You should go back to school.Your writing skills are excellent enjoy your on-line classes ,,, if I didn't take them I would still be banging my head trying to finish. I was on the 4yr plan for my associate. I'm still in school; and upon my own self reflection have come to grips with the fact that Danielle, my 16yr will be in college before I have my own classroom.
I will however admitt to the joy of being Teddra "Firsrt" before and above anything else I am.
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