What's on my mind?

I had a strong urge to write here today but I didn't know what to write. Babe told me to focus on whatever is on my mind, but I knew the one thing on my mind and is not all that positive. Not that I'm happy-go-lucky Natalie, I'm pretty cynical and pessimistic a lot of the time, but today I've felt a cloudy overcast and I just need to hammer this thing out. Bear with me.

At what point do you decide to set boundaries for your family? Yesterday I fought this internal war about how to deal with...we'll call her Cami, a family member. If you know more about my personal life you may know of whom I'm referring to but I'll keep it as vague as possible to protect those involved. Boundaries. That seems to be an area I struggle with and it's been that way since I was a child. So on with it.

Cami has pushed my buttons for years and only recently have I stood up for myself. It is kind of like I became her whipping girl and there came a point in my life, when I was 18, when I decided I'd had enough but I'd still get all wrapped up in the drama. She would disrespect me and I wouldn't say anything because I mastered the ability to keep the anger balled up inside me. Plus when I'm upset I tend to lose all sanity and ability to assemble cohesive sentences that convey my feelings. So I simply say nothing. I stew, my heart rate accelerates and my blood pressure rises...Cami is unaffected.

Boundaries have been crossed, erased, spit on and yesterday I debated my reaction to it all. I usually just turn my back on the relationship. I've attempted that several times but God seems to step in and admonish me for it. I wasn't sure what else I had left if I couldn't terminate the relationship, the torture. But later in the day I found peace in an option that came to me, thank God. There are friends and there are associates. Everyone doesn't have to hold a close spot in your life, I suppose Cami is one of those people. I can "associate" with her, remain family and enjoy time when we're in a family setting without allowing her within arm's reach.

Simply put, my boundary with Cami has expanded. The fence had to be repositioned to keep her from invading my "home". I'm tired of allowing the anger to fester inside me. And I think this will work, I simply can't 'go there' with her. Nothing good comes of it and I don't like feeling like I'm having a heart attack after our explosions. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with family members if it means protecting my peace of mind, protecting my sanity.