Last night I had an interesting dream. I was in labor with what apparently was my third child evident by the presence of Jay and Nas. It was a long labor that was unaffected by any amount of pushing I did. I recall pushing from my stomach thinking "I'm not doing ab work, I gotta crank this kid out." So I did what I'd heard the nurses on "A Baby Story" tell their patients to do and pushed from my bottom.
Nothing.
It seemed the baby's head would rock forward while I pushed only to retreat when I rested. I was sent home to hang out and wait even though I was obviously ready for delivery. My mom took the kids when they grew tired of waiting and Babe continued to work. Life continued for those around me. I sat, pushed, got on all fours and even remember hoping for a girl.
Nothing.
At 6:25 this morning I was rudely interrupted by the annoying blaring of the alarm clock signaling time to wake Jay for school. Upon remembering the dream I got online to find out what this dream meant...although I knew just what it was telling me. Online I checked out four or five different sites.
Nothing.
But when I decided to stop Googling my dream it occurred to me that I am very much pregnant with my third child. And from what the dream depicted, I'm closer and closer to birthing my new addition. I have two children and I don't want anymore, or do I?
After more than 5 years, one of the longest pregnancies on earth I assume, my embryonic dream of becoming a writer is finally full-term. I still have work to do but fear continues to hold me back. Fear of failing, fear of disappointing, fear of not being good enough. But fear doesn't make the pulsing heart of my 'baby' beat any less.
My dream of a third child, writing, is truly coming to "a head" and although I am holding myself back from thrusting this child into being, she's ready. She's healthy and ready for me to embrace the way I did her siblings. Maybe I'll just focus on pushing hard enough to get her past the last stage of birth and stop worrying about how she'll turn out.
1 comment:
Every woman I know who is no longer able to have children (like myself)anymore for whatever reason seems to have that dream. Its important to remember its a dream and its ok to raise the children you have and live a little more for yourself. It takes some time to stop dreaming, but reality is you doing you is just as important as parenting!
Post a Comment