Crisis can bring you closer

Crisis can definitely bring you closer to the one you love, but it can also tear at the very fabric that holds your relationship together. In the past month or so I have found crisis is like a fire: either you will pull your loved one out as you save yourself or the fire will separate the two of you in such a way that might leave one (or both) of you permanently disfigured.

In our case, Babe's grandmother, Nana, was suddenly attacked by the cancer she has battled for over a decade and it ate at her bones, lungs and other organs with a vengeance. She put up a long, hard, admirable fight but in the end I believe Nana traded the war for the crown with our Maker.

It was one thing to hear of the ravenous affect cancer was having on her body, but to see the pain and sadness in Babe's face I knew this was going to be a learning experience for me. See, Babe isn't an emotional person. I am emotional enough for both of us with some left over. So for me to wonder how he felt, hope he might cry or throw something or eat everything in the refrigerator, was very hard for me because I'm pretty sure he always knew what I was feeling.

One day I found myself shedding tears all day. Babe cried once and I felt it gave me an "in" on his heart because otherwise he wasn't going to say or do much based on his pain. He's logical - we all knew how much pain Nana was in, how much her body had endured and he seemed reluctantly at peace with the idea of her passing.

This difference in dealing with the loss of a loved one was like a battle for me. Cry, have an attitude, do something, but he did very little. I think that made me feel like he was shutting me out. Read: He wouldn't let me "fix" it. I just didn't know what would help: take the kids out so he could be alone, or keep things 'normal' so his world would feel like nothing changed, take over meals/kids/household so he could grieve, I just didn't know what to DO.

What I learned through this is you have to let the one you love BE who they are. When his mom or mine asked how Babe was doing I would usually say, "Uh, I guess he's okay." He slept more, was a bit quieter than usual and hit the gym when it seemed too much to handle. We are all very different in how we deal with things, if all he needs to do is sleep, work out and be quiet - I hope he knows HE got the short end of the stick with me in crisis. It's amazing that you can be with someone for 12 years and still be getting to know them.

If you've never been in crisis with your loved one take my advice: Watch, listen and be there. You can't do anything to make it better besides being there. In the end, like a wise man told me, "he'll love you for it."