The last time mom was here she left behind a bunch of videotapes I made over the years from the time Jay was about 5 months old. You can imagine the levels of craziness archived on these tapes - everything from Jay babbling loudly, to Jay singing church songs, to Jay dancing to Beyonce, to Nas' earliest days home, to Nas babbling loudly. It is really cool to have such reminders of how life used to be and just how small the people I birthed were at one point!
What makes the tapes even more precious is the reminder that I wasn't always "postpartum, sad, depressed Natalie". That revelation is huge for a mom who often beats herself up when recalling thoughts of wanting nothing to do with her beautiful newborn baby girl. On those tapes I see a mom who loved her baby and was loving toward her baby. I may have had my down days, but they obviously didn't outweigh the good days because my daughter loves me. She enjoys spending time with me and when something isn't right with her - she tells ME.
Today I decided - that was then, this is now. I will no longer see myself as a bad mom in Jay's early days - I really wasn't. Those tapes show a mommy who may have been lonely, but I poured everything I did have into that baby. We talked, we played, we sang, we danced, she ate, she choked on a Kix. Rarely do I appear on camera but my voice sounded happy, genuinely happy. Maybe I was in "fake it til you make it" mode, but I'll take that over throwing in the towel.
Some days I truly do fail miserably, but I dust myself off and keep the ball rolling because my kids deserve it - Babe deserves it - and heck, I deserve to be happy. And I am. And, thanks to those small reminders from a pretty dark time, I get to see that I was.
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